I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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