Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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