And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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