Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
