Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you traded sex for a burrito?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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