you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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