im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
