I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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