we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
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BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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