I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
