you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
