I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
