You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
