now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
