Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
