If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
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Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
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Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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