dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
