I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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