god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
