If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
