my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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