Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
