I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I wear drunk well.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
