I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
