weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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