Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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