Betty ford says i'm here all night
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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