Already got asked if we're dating
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
