You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
