Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
