I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
