I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
