So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
