dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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