I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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