i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I deserve this hangover.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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