My friends, they love my intelligence
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
