i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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