Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
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Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
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I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house