Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
