My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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