So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
