They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
