no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
