There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
