Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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