Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
