You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
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