What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Rumble strips road head = magical
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
A bitchslap is in order.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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