The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
