Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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