Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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