i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
