umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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