The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
