One girl and one boy is just not enough.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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